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fannybbw

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November 16th, 2009

Failure and dreams.

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I had a second interview with MAC last Sunday, and they finally called today to tell me that I didn't get the job. I thought I did very well, I thought I had the job. I was in the top 20 out of 200 something applicants. I don't know how many people they hired out of the 20, but I thought I was at least top ten. I feel like such a failure. Oh well.

I have always wanted to be a make-up artist. I went to cosmetology school only because there are no make-up schools in michigan. I found a great school in LA that I really want to go to. It would be 6 months of intense training on make-up skills, fashion make-up and special effects make-up. I would learn movie make-up, and latex applications, basically become a make-up artist for film and print. This is my dream, to go to this school. It is expensive, and I can get student loans to cover tuition, but I would need to live in LA for 6 months and that is not cheap. I do not currently have a job, no savings account, or checking account for that matter. I have absolutely no money. I need a job. I need one yesterday. I want to save up all my money and put it towards this dream. This is where I feel I should be, but I know I would probably not come back to Michigan. I would probably find an internship at a movie studio out there and stay. Do I want to live in LA? I think I could do it, but I feel like leaving my family would be a big hurdle. I can't leave my dad alone with my mom in the state she is in. He needs support, sometimes more than my mom needs support.

I think that when the time comes I will be able to leave. I have to do what is best for me and my life. I will have to take a note from my sister's life and just do it. Live for me for once. Scary.

September 8th, 2009

(no subject)

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Here I am. Just made a huge life changing step towards being healthier. I feel great. I have lost 18 lbs.. I am eating well, things so far are going great. The weight loss is slowing down. Which is good, and makes me anxious. I want to lose more weight, but I know I have to do this steady and slow. Get through the ups and downs on my own time.

Joe and I broke up. Part of me is sad, and part of me is relieved. I had been driving myself nuts with this lack of relationship stuff. One day we were in love, the next three days I don't hear from him, and then he calls like there was nothing wrong. I am done with the seesawing and the anxiousness. But I love him. I fell in love with who he was a long time ago, and maybe I should just accept that he is flawed. Yet, I have to follow my heart and I know that we can't be together right now. It just would not work. So I am here, lonely again.

I need a roommate.

I need a job.

I need a better life.

One thing at a time.

August 10th, 2009

Change is brewing....

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I am in a rut. It is not fun. Stuck in the mud. Today for the first time in a long while I feel a change.

I am having surgery in 2 1/2 weeks. This is a life changing event. At first when I told people about the fact that I finally had a date for it, they were all curious as to what my emotions were. Most people asked if I was excited. At first I wasn't, I still wasn't sure of my decision. Still questioning if I was really doing this for me.

Today I watched a video on my procedure and it clicked. I am making the right decision for ME. Not for my parents, or my grandma, or society, for ME. FOR ME! I am excited that I am finally able to say this. I want to change, I need to change my habits, my life needs to change.  I am ready for this exciting and scary journey. I saw a picture of myself taken two years ago,  today. I want to be that girl again, I liked my body then. I got butterflies in my stomach when I looked at that picture, and they were good butterflies, not nervous ones. This is not going to solve my emotional problems, but it is going to make me healthier physically.

I am excited.

I feel like I am going to be shedding my skin and become the butterfly that I know is in there.

Cheesy, I know.

I am excited. Hence, I can't sleep.

This is your time, this is your life.

For ME!

May 6th, 2009

(no subject)

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Everything hurts. Every muscle, bone and organ in my body just hurts. I can't stop crying. I just hurt.

I have been depressed my entire life. Every day there is a struggle to be happy. I have been off and on anti-depressants since I was 16. I haven't taken them in a month. I know that is why I feel this way. It is never a conscious decision to stop taking them. I just stop. And then I have a melt down, which is clearly what is happening today, and then I start taking them again. Oh the joys of my depressing and oh so stupid cycles. I think that part of the reason this happens is that I want so badly to just be happy. Why should I have to rely on drugs to make me feel somewhat "normal"? Why do I have this stupid chemical imbalance in my fucked up brain? Sometimes I think I need to see a therapist. But honestly I don't know what I would say. There is nothing specific that makes me depressed. My life isn't that horrible. I didn't have a tragic experience that I need to work through. I am just sad. I sometimes have this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I can't control. It's not something that I can work through with therapy. It is just a chemical imbalance in my brain that I have to deal with. There is no underlying emotional source that makes me feel this way. And when I feel this way it is not just feeling sad. My whole body hurts. The world seems to be a different color. I literally wake up and everything I look at is cloudy and gray. I wish talking would help. I want to be able to sit down with someone and talk this through. But I have nothing to say, nothing happened to make me feel this way, I am just sad. I wish people that have never dealt with depression could understand what this is like. It is horrible to have to experience this on a daily basis, this constant feeling of emptiness.

I don't really believe in god. I don't pray. But if I did the only thing I would ever pray for is happiness. I deserve to be happy. I have great things happening in my life right now and I can't even be happy about them. That's not fair. People deserve to be happy about the good things they accomplish. When is it my turn?

April 23rd, 2009

Ugh...

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My heart hurts...

March 21st, 2009

Things are good. Real good.

I met someone amazing. His name is Joe. He is everything I could have asked for and more. He is the most polite, caring, courteous and just plain awesome person I have ever met. I don't know if I believe in soul mates, but if I did, I believe he would be mine. Every time I see him I just want to hold him and tell him how much he means to me. Down sides: Not seeing him enough. And that's really all the bad things there are. I am completely and utterly smitten.

In other news, I passed my state board practical for cosmetology. I take my written test this Tuesday and when I pass I will be officially licensed as a hair stylist. Oh, bliss. I am so excited for my new career. I'm finally good at something that could make me a lot of money. That is a good feeling.

My mom is....ok. Still on bedrest and has a nasty infection. I should be spending more time there. That is all.

My favorite Jewish holiday is coming up, Passover. Horseradish, brisket, matzoh balls, yum!

I guess that's it. I am watching Twilight, yes I know, I'm silly.

February 21st, 2009

Mustaches

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I had the best conversation last night. It lasted at least 5 hours. I may now be getting married.

February 18th, 2009

Florida

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So, I went to Florida for 9 days. I return home tomorrow to snow and yucky weather. I spent those 9 days with my grandma, I love her very dearly but sometimes she just plain drives me crazy. I had to teach her how to use the internet and I have no patience for her lack of computer knowledge. She just needs to take a class but I think she won't retain anything at this point. I do love hearing all of her old stories about my grandpa who died when I was 2, and we went through her china cabinet and she told me who gave her each piece. It was nice, but I'm excited to go home.

At home though my mom seems to be doing much worse and has been put on bedrest. I know I will be helping out in the next few weeks with her, but I also have a ton of stuff to do for myself. I graduated on the 5th and I still have to take my cosmetology state boards. Once I pass those I will be a licensed hair stylist and I need to find a job. Lots of stuff to get in line to be able to start my new career. I'm excited but nervous for all of it.

Also on the horizon:

New tattoos! (thanks Erin)
Boys, boys and more boys (seriously girls if you are interested in just sex and not a relationship then try out fling.com, it's ridiculous how many people were interested in me)
Possibly moving within a year (I'm thinking Florida)

Love to all! See you when I get back.

February 2nd, 2009

More DP

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I have 2 days left. Woohoo!

January 29th, 2009

DP

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I graduate from cos school in 5 days. 5 loooong ass days. It was a pain in my ass to get through the past year and a half, but I finally made it. I actually am accomplishing something. I am starting a new career and I will get to make money doing something I love, not many people can say that. Yay for being done with DP, and here's to a new life!
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